Published September 11, 2010
Alone:
Your words sliced through me like razors.
My mind ran a marathon of thoughts,
but you were really gone.
I tried to think of a way to fix things,
but you kept running.
I cried in that bed you got
when I was a baby.
I'm convinced you never cared,
now you're gone.
I can't seem to grasp,
what have I done?
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140,963 Literary Works • 673,794 Reviews
Thank you for the reviews. My point on this way to make the reader think about whats happened instead of it being right there in front of them. Though, I should have gone over it a few times. Thanks!
"My mind ran a marathon of thoughts" I like that A LOT
But the slicing like razors seems a little cleshe
I like the detail about the bead, and where it came from.
I think it might be better to end in a statement rather than a question. Like "I didn't know what I had done", or something.
I like it a LOT though
Hi
I liked the imagery but the sentences feel incomplete.
You see the reader can't exactly get the idea what your trying to convey.try using clearer sentences and join the whole thing to form a main idea.It's your choice but I would recommend adding some rhyming scheme to it.It was a great idea though and I would like to read more of your poems.
......... July .........
Hi!
Okay, so, what I got from this poem is that someone was mad at the person and left. The first stanza is good, but after reading it I'm expecting a little more in the way of an explanation. Not all poetry has to be specific or anything, but I felt that this poem was a little too unclear. In the second stanza, the "I cried in that bed you got /when I was a baby." suggests it was a parent who left, but I'm still not sure. Also, putting "I cried in that bed you got me" seems to make more sense.
If you say "I can't seem to grasp" in the first line there, then the line after it shouldn't be a question.
Okay, overall, I get what you're saying about what happened, but it's not that clear. Maybe you could add a stanza that expands a little more on who left and maybe why, too.
Hope I helped!